Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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