I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
