i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
