I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
