i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize