I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
