ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
