Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
