im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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