its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize