oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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