is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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