ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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