man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
