Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
