you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize