I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
