you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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