i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
