I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
