only if we run a train.
done.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
