Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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