You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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