I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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