I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
