Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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