I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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