whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm like, not good at living.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
