when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
