If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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