it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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