she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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