you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
