You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
