So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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