I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
