My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
