I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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