I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
