I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if only i could text you this smell
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
