It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
