Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
