Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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