ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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