I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I am available for nakedness
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
