There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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