I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He passed out mid-signature
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
