How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
