I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
