Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize