Moan for me like Helen Keller
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
