Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
