I wish I could punch you in the face.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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