You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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