Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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