The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
