No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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