would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
