Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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