i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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