Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
