Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can't turn off my feet"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize