I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize