He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
