Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
