sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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