I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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