My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
