I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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