made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
