She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We have started to decorate penises.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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