he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I need to sanitize my soul.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
