How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
