We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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